The dark side of the marriage

The person we choose in partners is a kind of reflection of ourselves. And not only our “good” side, but also “dark”, which we often do not even recognize. How to interact with this dark and unpleasant reflection? The psychotherapist explains.

If the divorce decided something, statistics would reflect the number of citizens freed from the suffering, and parting would become the main recipe for solving our problems. Such situations happen, but rarely, although it is precisely what the majority of submitting.

In practice, entering into the following relations, we are again faced with our own reflection. That is, with himself, reflected in another person. Will this “other” decide that he refused to solve the previous? Probably no.

In fact, at some great depth, any marriage is equal. In some ways, spouses are very suitable for each other (of course, provided that they could choose a life partner for themselves). Daughters from alcoholic families, becoming adults, often marry alcoholics. Why? There is no other model of behavior: what to do with a nonsense man, they simply do not know.

Neurotics find a couple of “the same degree of denial of reality”. If one sees things clearer than the other, the balance in the couple is broken, and the relationship falls apart. But there is a way out-more or less symmetrical growth of both spouses with a decrease in general family neurotization. When the promotion of one, albeit not immediately, picked up the other.

The main reason for the divorce is disappointment from a collision with reality. First of all, with reality itself as a spouse

, in the second – the reality of another as a spouse. It is in that order.

Because if a person in marriage only reveals the shortcomings of another, he is at a dead end that will not “cure” either the second, third, or subsequent marriages or other relations.

You should always know that you have found a suitable partner. But it is suitable not only to your “radiant” side, but also in the opposite, dark. If you have the courage to see your and alien dark sides – this is the first step to genuine unity.

Only having examined your “dark side”, you can continue the way together. You will immediately be able to blame the other for your troubles

If you still think that “better” your spouse, you are at a dead end. Then you need to highlight a separate time to see yourself without embellishment – creativity, meditation, repentant prayer, psychotherapy. Sorry to put it all in one row, but people move to themselves in different ways.

And only when you clearly consider your “dark side”, you can continue the path together. A sign of this – you will be able to blame another of your troubles. But if you are carried away by the accusation of yourself – then the dead end again: this is a clever way to do nothing, moaning: “Ah, I am bad, too bad …” to be “bad” – sabotage and betrayal of myself.

Here it is necessary to constantly observe this complex balance in the movement – between the denial of “dark” yourself and the finding of genuine light.

For a couple, this means that marriage is not a place where someone can cure another, even the strongest love. But this is a union, this determination to give another its own light.

Big difference – a person walks with an extinct candle and looks for another with matches. Or walks with a lighted candle to find a person – with the same lit candle.